master cleanse

Words Loved or Loathed /  by vanessa

My friend Joslyn has this really great list of words that she likes.  I asked her to add the word delightful to hers and she refused because, she's "on the fence about that word," which completely baffled me.  How can you not LOVE delightful?  It's just so retro.  I tried to convince her and so she suggested that I start my own list.  ("Get your own," might've been her words.)  And because I want to give delightful its proper recognition I agreed.  But not without trepidation since:

  1. Copying someone who's done something brilliantly is a really good way to look like a hack.  
  2. I like lots of words simply for the way they sound even when I can't remember what they mean.  This probably means I'm shallow.  (Although, I've conveniently rationalized these memory lapses by blaming the people who make up definitions for ascribing some lame meaning which pales to its sound.) 
Love:
  • delightful:  This word is under-used in our modern vocabulary.  It's the lexicological equivalent of carrying a handkerchief in one's pocket.  (Which makes me smile.)  
  • evidently:  I mostly love the way one of my former co-workers used to say this word.  She was from North Carolina and said it like she was a lawyer.  Whatever she followed it with always sounded so believable.  
  • harangue:  I have effed this one up many times.  Mostly I confuse it with cajoled, although see below for my thoughts on that word.  
  • inchoate:  I think of Native Americans when I think of this word.  I don't know why but I like thinking of Native Americans.
  • loath:   Way more interesting and succinct than "It's probably not gonna happen."
  • non-plussed:  I just want to pinch this word in its rosy little cheeks!
  • pansy:  Sissy sounds too, well, pansy, so I like this one instead.
Loathe: 
anything with "-shizzle" in it:  I don't think I need to explain this.  It was never cool.  (That's right, Snoop.)  I also don't care that it's more like a phrase or vernacular than a word.  Whatever.  Don't use it.
cajoled:  sounds like Cajun and no word should sound like Cajun. 
hubby:  Eww.  What totally confounds me is that people I otherwise respect use this in all seriousness.  
ginormous, chillax, or any other portmanteau comprised of two synonyms:   Individually the words mean the same thing.  Just pick one for crissakes.
juicy:  It's true.  I hate this one too.
That's it for now.  
***
In other news, I finished the Master Cleanse on Friday.  Thank God.  And curses! that the body forgets so easily.  I already ate a bunch of chocolate tonight.  I don't ever want to go through that again, so I'm going to re-read my posts to remember how miserable I was in an effort to eat more mindfully. 
It is the virtues, not the faults...which constitute one's true legacy. -- Gandhi

Yes, I want food (and answers to other frequently asked questions). /  by vanessa

Owing that I'm no stranger to cleanses and fasts and all sorts of other health gauntlets, I figured this makes me some sort of expert.   So I'm taking this opportunity to answer some of the more frequent questions I get about this cleanse.  Here goes:

Q.  Do you eat anything?
A.  Nope.  Unless you count lemon juice, maple syrup, and cayenne as eating. 
Q.  Anything?  
A.  If you ask me again, I will start eating -- your eye.  
Q.  Which one?
A.  It doesn't matter.
Q.  Doesn't not eating make you irritable?
A.  Why do you ask?
Q.  How many calories a day do you consume?
A.  I think between 800 - 1000.
Q.  Don't you lose a ton of weight?
A.  Yes and no.  You lose some but you can't really think about that b/c eating 1000 calories a day is not sustainable (nor should anyone of sound mind want it to be).  Ergo, as soon as you start eating again, you gain it back.
Q.  Why do you do it? 
A.  Because you end up feeling really, really good afterwards, blah blah blah.  (Incidentally, this answer is becoming less convincing to even me.)
Q.  How do you focus?
A.  For what purpose?
Q.  You're crazy, aren't you?
A.  Maybe.
Q.  Are there different kinds of cleanses, like say, less extreme?   And have you done them?
A.  Yes, there are a zillion (FYI, that's a real number, just after trillion) out there.  Check 'em out.  In the past I've also done the Arise & Shine, a fruits and veggies cleanse, and a fruits only cleanse.
Q.  How'd you pick the Master Cleanse?
A.  Because it's simple.  You have three ingredients for 10 days. 
Q.  Don't you get sick of it?
A.  Yes, yes I do.  But I think it's just like that cliche about marriage or something -- you have to mix it up.  For example, sometimes I make it w/ mineral water, sometimes with hot water, and sometimes I make little popsicles out of it.  (The last one was a joke, but umm, helllooooo -- a stroke of GENIUS.)
Q.  Do you think about food?
A.  All of the time.  (As an aside, I don't remember thinking about food this much previously, so I'm not sure this is normal.)
Q.  How do you have any energy?
A.  Magic?  Apparently when the body isn't busy digesting, it's freed up to do other things, like worry.
Q.  What are you going to eat first?
A.  Orange juice, unfortunately.  Basically, you have to come off of a cleanse delicately, so you start w/ something easy to digest.  I guess my first real meal will be Tom Yum soup because it's brothy and delicious.
Q.  Will you ever do this again? 
A.  Please do not let me ever, EVER do another 10-day cleanse.  Trust me when I say that the world is a better place if I can eat.  You, on the other hand?  You should totally try it.  It's awesome!
So that's it.  That's what I get asked most.  And now I'm going to go back to sleeping my way through the next two days.
What I hope to be my first meal: 
It is the virtues, not the faults...which constitute one's true legacy. -- Gandhi

Wow, I'm Really Hungry /  by vanessa

Today is Day 6? - oh that's right -- yes, Day SIX  of the Master Cleanse.  I forget.  My thoughts... they... are... like... feathers... 


Yesterday, in Venice, I actually sat outside of a pizza place and just inhaled the scent of cheese.  I was hoping to get full from it.  Cleansing makes you crazy.  Today Dre texted me a picture of the hot dog and fries her boyfriend was eating.  I stared at it for a good five or so minutes before I looked away.   I pictured the taste of the curly fries, their salty unctuous goodness like a whisper on my lips.  (I nearly killed Y when I came home later to find said fries barely eaten in the trash.  Doesn't he know that there are underprivileged cleansers EVERYWHERE who would kill for his discarded scraps?  Not *this* cleanser - 'cause that would be gross - but others.) 


I've ran a marathon.  I've done 80 days of yoga straight.  80 days.  Hell, I've even done *this* lemonade thing multiple times!  Clearly I'm not afraid of a challenge.  So why is it so hard now?  In cleansing theory, my unyielding desire for food (and especially "junk" food) after six days implies that I must've been really unhealthy before.  I can hear The Secret Cleansing Council conferring now:  
"Didn't she used to be a yoga teacher?"  
"She really let herself go..."
"If she really took this seriously, she'd be doing the Salt Flush."


And to that I say, I wish I didn't hear voices in my head.  I also say, I can't believe I'm sticking with it.  No, really, I'm SHOCKED.  (And slightly proud.)  I've been trying to explain to people who ask why I would do this - why I would torture myself, really.  My answer is the same:  because you end up feeling really, really good and I want to break the attraction I've had to junk food lately.   And that's true -- I'm no stranger to fasts, to cleanses, to eating healthy.  In the past when I've done these, by no later than Day 5, I've felt great!  My thoughts have been clearer, I've had boundless energy, my skin looks better, my eyes get whiter, and my tongue gets pinker.  When I"ve finished I've managed a healthier diet for months afterwards.  It was all worth it.  But yesterday was that magic hump day and I felt no closer to salvation than I did at the beginning.   So now I'm a little discouraged.


I'm tempted to swear off eating poorly EVER AGAIN.  NO, THIS TIME I MEAN IT.  But since my friend Doug* has convinced me that declarations only set you up for failure, instead I will say that I really hope that this time, after I've put myself through what I hope won't be ten full days of missing  nachos, I'll be more sensible and moderate and kind to myself about the food choices I make in the future.  


Look!  It's breakfast, lunch, and dinner:


*I accidentally just typed "Dough" for "Doug."  I really miss bread.



***
P.S.  Here are those red clogs.  I should have taken a picture of them with my new skirt, which I'm totally in love with and have worn for two days straight.


It is the virtues, not the faults...which constitute one's true legacy. -- Gandhi

Zebra /  by vanessa

Up until tonight I thought I was such a Scrabble badass.   Maybe it was my 20% bingo record, or the 98% scoreboard.  Whatever -- I owned that bitch.  Then I started playing Scrabble Stephen Hawkings Edition.  I have barely hobbled through two hands and I've already lost once.  Apparently I underestimated my opponent, the iPhone.  My self-esteem is duly checked.

***
Today is Day 1 of the Master Cleanse, (and Day 3 of a new Artist's Way sequel "Walk In This World" thingy I'm doing with my friends). I should note that I'm defying the advice of my friend and acupuncturist, Margaret, who supports a cleanse for me but  advises against the Master variety.   No hallucinating or coffee headaches yet, although I nearly clubbed my co-workers who (unknowingly) wouldn't stop talking about pie.

***
I just watched a commercial in which a tampon was described as "cute."  Sorry.  I had to share.  It was just too weird.

It is the virtues, not the faults...which constitute one's true legacy. -- Gandhi